Chasing Experiences

You really have no idea how bad a situation is until you get out of it. And I did get out of this one. Six years later.

The following paragraphs are something I wrote five years ago after my second broken engagement. I feel the same to this day.

***** Five years with a three year engagement and I never got to wear my wedding dress. I could say I feel resentful and bitter but I don’t. My life was black and white for so long without me realizing it. My whole world revolved around him. He was my soulmate and there was nothing that could convince me otherwise. I never realized how much I depended on him for my happiness until he slowly grew bored of our “mediocre” life together and allowed himself to be distracted by outside temptations like alcohol and everything the bar scene entails. His industry job gave him an excuse to drink more and stay out longer. There were so many sleepless nights while I worried and waited to hear his truck coming down the road. I was miserable. But I loved him. And I knew he loved me too, in his own way. There was no way I would give up on him or leave him.

Then one day he decided he needed complete freedom. He moved out and I was completely devastated. My world was turned upside down and I was lost. I cried for days…months even. For a whole year I let him come in and out of my life as he pleased. He would text me or show up randomly when he was lonely and feed me empty promises until he left early the next morning. But I took what I could get from him. I was desperately holding on to the hope that he would snap out of this and realize what he had in front of him. I listened and held on to the promises that he loved me and he was sure I was the one for him…that one day we would have our wedding. He just needed time to figure himself out, he said. But eventually I realized these promises were just words. I was completely unhappy and I was putting my life on hold for a man that was out living his own. So I made the decision that it was over finally. I would not let him back in and I would start over. And I did just that.

I rediscovered my love for music. I picked up my dusty guitar and started practicing again. I sing ALL the time now. I made the decision to go back to school and establish my dream career. I’m running again and training for the half marathon that I had put off for so long with the intentions of doing it “one day”. I’ve been spending more time with the number one person in my life-my son. I’m going to start traveling more to all the places I only dreamed of visiting. Slowly but surely I’m adding color back to my life.

My happiness is no longer in someone else’s hands, it’s in my own. I don’t think my self-confidence has ever been this high and all it took was for the person who I thought was the love of my life to leave me. This life experience has been incredibly hard but I’m not regretful of any of it. At the young age of thirty, I’ve come to the realization that I only have one life to live and I’m going to make it my own. My life is my canvas and I’m going to add as many colors as possible to it. I will never hand the paint brush to anyone again-except for people that are going to ADD color and depth- like the beautiful women in these pictures that have each added their own splash of color to my life in some way. I’m optimistic that one day, when I’m ready, I’ll find “Mr. Right”. I’m not going to sit around and wait to be happy in the meantime though. I’m going to live in the present and life will no longer be so black and white! It’s never too late to live the life you’ve always wanted. Just because something doesn’t work out the way you thought doesn’t mean it’s the end of your story. It could be the beginning of something wonderful. I was so scared of a life without my ex and I had several unanswered prayers for sure but I know now that it was all for the best. God has a plan for each and every one of us and we should trust in that plan. Change is terrifying but I promise you it is worth it in the end! If you feel like there’s something missing from your life, go out and find what it is!! No excuses, don’t be afraid! Travel more, dance more, laugh more…wreck the never worn wedding dress!!!! We only get one life people, MAKE IT A COLORFUL ONE!!!!!!!!!! ****

I’m thirty five years old now and I can happily say that I finished school, I’ve ran two half-marathons and my canvas is crazy colorful!