Chasing Experiences

Girls often dream of finding the love of their life from a young age. Most believe they will be married to their soulmate before they reach the age of thirty and some are fortunate enough to experience this. Others find themselves in their mid-thirties and single. Like me.

 I definitely did not imagine that I would let the course of my love lift get so off track, yet here I am. I spent my twenties in two different relationships and found another one to endure a few years ago. I use the word endure because that’s what all three of the relationships were—experiences to endure during and/or after. Almost ten years of my life spent on people who so easily betrayed my trust and put me through emotional turmoil.

Relationship #1 (engagement)- twenty years old and pregnant with his baby. Three years of cheating, abuse and control. I ended it because I found evidence of the cheating. After the break up, I allowed him access to my body for months and entertained the thought of reconciling until he scared me enough to have to call the local police for a safety escort out of my own home.

Relationship #2 (engagement)- twenty-four years old and one year single. Six years of control, isolation and self-esteem breakers. He ended it when he gave me an STD and accused me of being the traitor. I questioned my sanity a lot in this relationship. I allowed him access to my body and prayed for him to come home for a year after the break up. One day a light switched off inside me and I closed that door for good.

Relationship #3 (almost engaged)- thirty-three years old and three (happy) years single. Two years of lectures on how to be a good partner, constant comparison to the ex, and cheating. Good man, bad partner. I ended things when he confessed to cheating the same week he was going to propose. After the break up, I allowed him access to my body for months and again considered reconciliation until he decided he wanted to marry the other woman because she was more forgiving.

These are just brief overviews of my experiences. I could write pages and pages about narcissism and what I’ve been through. Obviously, I loved them and there were good parts of the relationships that convinced me to stay as long as I did. I just wish I had demanded more instead of trying to change myself into what I thought would make them happy. I wasted so much time dimming my light so that his could shine bright enough to deflect from his fragile ego. Too much time. I know they all loved me in their own way, but I also know it wasn’t authentic love.

It’s hard to recognize duplicitous love when you’re in the middle of it. You’re so blinded by your desire to be loved that you’re willing to overlook their inconsistencies. You tell yourself it will get better if they just see how much you love them. Maybe they will be what you need if you avoid doing that thing they don’t like or wear only the clothes they find sexy. Your desires are less important than theirs because their love is fragile and should be handled with more care. There is always a reason they need more than you. They never acknowledge your own trauma that has probably caused you to hang so tightly on to the potential love that they are dangling in front of you. They take and they take until you have nothing left to give and they blame you for it. Then they leave. This is not love.

As my mother would say, “Real love is putting your partner’s happiness above your own”. Both partners should feel this way in a relationship, not just one. It will never work if you are constantly trying to convince someone why you are loveable. It doesn’t work if you have to change your values and opinions to align with your partner’s. It will fail if you disrespect yourself by allowing bad behavior.

Authentic love is not selfish or condescending. It does not betray, harm or make you feel unwanted.  It thrives when you thrive. Real love picks you up when you are down. It encourages and motivates you. It gives with no expectations. There is no duplicity with love, only good intentions. You will make testimonies of it’s greatness instead of excuses. It is always there when you need it to be. It does not take away from your life, it only adds greatness. Authentic love makes you a better person. You will never have to question it for it is indubitable.

Do not ever let yourself chase love. Always be true to who you are as a person and let your light shine. One day that light will attract the beautiful love that helps it grow so bright, you will feel like you’re going to burst.

Do not settle for anything less. I know I won’t. This little light of mine- you better believe I’m gonna let it shine.