Chasing Experiences

Hospice nursing is not for the weak. You watch people in their most vulnerable moments let go of control because they have no other choice. No one wants to die.

I have taken care of many patients during my years in hospice. I’ve always felt deep gratitude for being able to ease suffering and help them through one of, if not the most, important moments of their lives. They’ve all started out as strangers who turned into someone that I cared about over time. Every patient has had an impact on me, just like any other hospice nurse can most likely say. Hospice nursing is an intense experience, and we are blessed by God with the ability to “turn off” the part of our brains that could cause us to break down from the things we encounter. He is the reason we can do what we do.

I took a prolonged break from hospice recently. After 4 years of experience, I spent two more doing part time hospital and teaching work. I thoroughly enjoyed them both but for some reason, I eventually became very uncomfortable. I thought maybe I just needed something different so I decided to venture out and try a full time hospital job. When I started, I realized how simple the job was with great people surrounding me and even better pay. The hours were amazing and management was top tier. Everything was perfect but I still felt so uncomfortable, like it just wasn’t for me. I was bored. One day I was driving to work and had a sudden thought. “Call Chris”.

She is a long-time friend from the hospice world who had started her own company. Without thinking more about it, I picked up my phone and she answered the second ring. I asked if she needed a nurse. She said she had been thinking of calling me. I started two weeks later. Then I received a life changing text message almost three months later…

Michelle was my long-time supervisor in the hospice world, gym partner and mentor. Our relationship changed from boss/employee, to work out partners and eventually to very good friends. Over time, we really bonded and realized how similar we were as human beings. We shared the same thoughts on so many things. I mean the same and exact thoughts. Our values were always aligned, and we even shared the same type of anxiety.  Working next to each other every day we eventually reached the point of being able to just give a look and know what the other person was thinking. We valued each other’s opinions, and this really blossomed into a friendship I will cherish forever.

She was the best boss with the kindest heart and always wanted the best for patients, staff, friends…everyone. Michelle worked in hospice for 30 years and worked tirelessly to ensure patients received the best care. She was an amazing hospice nurse and when she retired, she knew her absence would be noticed and severely missed.

No one, least of all Michelle, saw it coming when my dear friend was suddenly diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer.

She went through chemo and clinical trials for almost two years before I received the text.

I was working that day and had just finished my last visit. It had been a couple of weeks since I spoke with her and I thought everything was stable. Until I received the unexpected text from her sister Mel.

Mel: “are you in town?”

Me: “Yes, is Michelle okay?

Mel: “No. We need you”.

I was at Michelle’s house 30 minutes later.

When I walked in, she was sitting on her couch and immediately looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “I think it’s time for hospice” she said. I could see the pain all over her face. She had not been able to eat or drink in several days due to severe nausea and pain. She was skin and bone. Going back and forth to the ER with little to no ease in her symptoms had taken a toll. I had no idea she had been suffering this way. I hadn’t seen her in several months and seeing her like this was a shock to the system. It felt like too much for about thirty seconds. Then I pushed my personal feelings to the side and I let the nursing part of my brain take over. I admitted her to hospice that day. We came up with a plan to control her symptoms so she could keep her appointment with the oncologist in a few weeks to start a new clinical trial. I was convinced she just needed hospice to get her pain and nausea under control so she could be strong enough to continue to fight. I refused to listen to the part of my nursing brain that knew better. And when the time came, she was just too sick to make it to the oncologist.

I fought for weeks to get her comfortable. The trouble was she knew what was happening the entire way because of her years in hospice which made things harder for both of us. My friend knew she was dying but she just wasn’t ready.

This was a whole new experience for me. This isn’t a stranger, it’s Michelle. My kindred spirit. She is a friend, not a patient. I didn’t think twice about taking care of her though. I knew her. I knew what she was thinking. I knew I brought her a sense of peace because we spoke to each other on a level no one else was on. No one could take care of her the way I could, we both knew it. So I stayed there for my friend through her most vulnerable moments in life. I watched her family cry. I listened to them tell stories about her. I smiled as she complained to her sweet husband that he wasn’t giving her medications correctly. I was there but I wasn’t. I separated myself and God shielded me so I could do what he called me to do. I was uncomfortable at those jobs because I was meant to be right there. Michelle’s hospice nurse.

She fought hard the entire way and thankfully, we eventually got her comfortable. Nearly two months after the text, my dear friend Michelle took her last breath on this earth surrounded by family. I was there thirty minutes later.

I’ve watched funeral staff take patients out of their homes many times before but this time was different. When I watched them wrap her small body in a sheet, something changed inside of me. I will never be the same. She had so many more years to live and things to experience. She wanted to travel more and enjoy retirement with her family. She was the loveliest person I have ever known, and the least deserving of a life cut short.

My friend did not think this would happen to her even though she saw the same story play out for other people daily. She was not ready…no one was. But in the end, I’m certain she knew where she was going and I’m so happy that she is with her parents now. And I’m filled with gratitude that I helped her get there peacefully.

Hospice nursing is a calling. I experienced something most people would run from but I’m grateful that I was there. My patients help me see the beauty in the world. The trees are a little greener and the skies bluer in my eyes. My experience with my friend Michelle made it all the more beautiful. 

She’s been gone less than a month and I’ve struggled with watching people continue to live as nothing ever happened. Don’t they know what the world has just lost? How can life just go on?

Now when I listen to people speak about their day-to-day problems, it sounds like gibberish. When I see people complain on social media, I have to turn it off. During the start of a bad day, I close my eyes so I can hear her talking about what she would do if she could live longer.

I can’t continue to live day to day and just ‘go through the motions’ of life. I need to embrace the fire in my soul and chase my potential. One day, hopefully a very long time from now, I will face the same fate as my good friend. Just as we all will. When I get there, I want to feel like I’ve lived a life she would be proud of. One that she would have been happy to have lived. I think that would be the best way to honor her.

I will live my life for my friend, Michelle.